


taemin would put the ass in assassin if he had one

by storyop



Category: SHINee
Genre: M/M, i wrote this at four am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-21 02:30:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11348022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storyop/pseuds/storyop
Summary: no matter what alternate universe you escape to, taemin's gucci fur slippers will always be there.





	taemin would put the ass in assassin if he had one

“do you think the ace would have this sloppy of an aim?” jonghyun grumbles, nudging the dead body with his toes.

“she’s dead, isn’t she?” kibum says, glaring. “worry about yourself.” he leans over the woman, clicking his tongue softly. “those shoes with that outfit? tragic.”

“i’m perfect,” jonghyun replies primly. “there is actually _nothing_ wrong with me. i’m a sensitive soul — girls dig the tortured artistic types — and i have muscles! they’re kind of useless, but at least they make me look good.”

“you’re short,” kibum says, speaking from around a pen cap as he draws the little diamond studded key that is their trademark on the woman’s forehead. “i’m tired of you.”

“my dick isn’t.” jonghyun shrugs. “and that’s not what you said —”

“if you finish that sentence, i will cut your average sized dick off,” kibum says sweetly.

“that’s your loss,” jonghyun replies just as sweetly. kibum’s mouth twitches.

it’s really a surprise the two of them get any work done together at all, as they’re usually too busy bickering to actually concentrate on the fact that their job is to murder people. but maybe that’s what makes them as a duo great. the banter.

as the current reigning assassin couple, the old one having retired ages ago to a normal, boring suburban life, jonghyun and kibum have a lot of responsibility on their shoulders. they have to make kills at least three times every week, which leaves them very little time to get acquainted with the size of each other’s dicks.

 

“but at least we don’t have it as bad as the ace,” jonghyun tells kibum musingly as they chop onions. his eyes are watering as he speaks, but kibum isn’t entirely sure if it’s from the onions or from his deep, unwavering love for the ace. “he’s a loner. so is his boner. hey, that rhymes, i wonder if i could write a song about it…” he trails off, mumbling to himself about somehow contacting the ace and letting him know that he’s inspired such creative brilliance. kibum teasingly calls him the president of the ace fanclub (believe it or not, one actually exists — something jonghyun has complained about because “why don’t we get a fanclub? and shippers? i know they don’t know our names but we should at least get shippers.”) but he wouldn’t be surprised if jonghyun actually had a secret shrine dedicated to him.

“didn’t what’s his face say he knew the ace personally? karl? kyle?”

“kai?” kibum suggests.

“yeah, that guy!” jonghyun is excited now, stabbing at the onion with tears running down his face. “i’m going to call him up. see if i can get him to deliver my song.”

“you’ve never written me a song,” kibum whines. this is a lie. jonghyun had gotten drunk once and written an absolute masterpiece on kibum’s fashion sense. it had been better than any sexual experience he’d ever had.

“this is a lie,” jonghyun protests. “remember when i got drunk once and wrote you an absolute masterpiece on your fashion sense? i bet you think it’s better than any sexual experience you’ve ever had.” this is why kibum keeps him around.

 

they find kai’s dead body in the sewers underneath a dance studio. jonghyun stares sadly down at him. “but who’s going to deliver my song now?”

“i’m sure the ace has other friends,” kibum reassures him. “there’s a bigger problem. kai is the seventh dead assassin we’ve found in a week. that’s an average of one per day.”

jonghyun stares at him, silent for a long second. “that,” he says, his voice hushed, “is better than we have _ever_ done.” kibum almost smacks him.

“we have to figure out who’s behind this, you idiot,” kibum says, “but. we should probably take a shower first.”

“together?” jonghyun asks cheekily.

 

the news that the old duo are coming back spreads quicker than the fires that one of them used to spread. the spark, they called him. kibum calls him annoying.

“kibum!” minho bellows, coming in for a hug. “my good friend. i missed you and your always perfectly coiffed hair.” he lowers his voice to a whisper. “frankly, i’m surprised jonghyun’s still around. what do you see in him, anyway?”

“he has nice teeth,” kibum says. jonghyun looks a little put out. kibum thinks it has more to do with the fact that next to minho, he’s even shorter than usual.

“our daughter got killed,” jinki says when jonghyun asks why they’re back in business. “we’re going to find out who killed her, and who killed v. minho had some kind of attachment to him.”

“it wasn’t an attachment, babe,” minho says. “it was a man crush.”

“you’re _literally_ gay,” jinki replies.

 

minho receives the blue flower the next day.

jonghyun is excited. “before he kills you,” he begs minho, “can you please ask him for his autograph? it’s going in my shri — i mean, i’m asking for a friend.”

“actually, i’m not going to kill you.” jonghyun looks like he’s about to pass out. “do you guys meet in the sewers often? and sorry, i don’t give out autographs. it cramps my hand and i kinda need that to shoot people.”

standing right in front of them in all his glory is the ace. he looks like he’s twelve.

“you look like you’re twelve,” kibum tells him. “and what the hell is that on your feet?”

“it’s the haircut,” the ace says mournfully, ruffling his uneven bangs. “and excuse you, these gucci fur slippers are high fashion. they show off my sexy ankles.”

jonghyun sucks in a deep breath. “your ankles _are_ very sexy.” the ace beams.

“if you’re not going to kill me then why did you give me your flower?” minho holds it up. it looks sad, wilting, and the ace winces as one of the petals falls into the sewer water. “are you professing your love to me?”

“sorry, the only person i love is myself,” the ace says solemnly. “nah, i’m here to help you guys out. i don’t really wanna die.”

kibum glances at jonghyun just as a tear falls from his right eye.

 

they have very little luck. assassin after assassin dies, all killed with various methods so it can’t be traced to one individual. each assassin has their own style. kibum has an _abundance_ of style. whoever is doing this is incredibly smart.

soon, they’re the only ones left. they get so tense that they’re barely eating (except for three full meals a day) and barely sleeping (except for a solid eight hours every night). jonghyun writes song after song, but sadly informs kibum that none of them have come close to stroke of brilliance that was _cocktail_ , the song he had written to the ace, a lyrical masterpiece about a mindblowing blowjob. (kibum found it torn up in their bathroom trashcan and had half a mind to hunt down the ace’s high fashion gucci fur slippers and burn them. no one puts his tiny artistic boyfriend in a trashcan.)

it’s when jinki gets killed that they all start to panic for real. kibum goes stress shopping and buys more eyepatches than he could possibly need, especially if his days are numbered. jonghyun writes approximately two hundred and thirty four love letters to his beloved dog, roo, who is halfway across the city with his mom and sister. the ace worries so much that he starts going gray (or more accurately, white), his eyebrows practically disappearing. minho grieves.

and then he dies. kibum buys ten more eyepatches and then sits jonghyun down, confessing his undying love. jonghyun confesses back, and kibum is touched, until jonghyun finishes with a, “and now that i’ve told you how i feel about roo, i might as well let you know that i love you too, kibummie.” kibum vows to never help him pick out his outfit again.

 

kibum wakes up to jonghyun’s dead body the next morning. gently, he closes his eyes, then lights his boyfriend’s entire stash of scented candles in memorial. it smells awful and kibum cries.

he isn’t even finished going through the motions of cooking eggs when the ace casually pulls a gun out and points it at him.

“it was you all along,“ kibum says dully.

“you have no idea how much it pained me to kill jonghyun,” the ace tells him gravely. “out of all my fan club members, he was the most loyal. the most dedicated. he even wrote me a song!”

“you rejected it,” kibum says hotly.

“uh…… yeah it was a little… it was a little creepy, to be honest. although i did love the _what’s in my hand is not a cup_ line; that was pretty impressive.”

kibum nods. “i was particularly fond of that one myself.” there’s a pause. “are you going to shoot me before my eggs burn, or —”

 

the ace steps onto the roof of the highest building in the city, the wind ruffling his hair. he lets out a deep, contented sigh, gazing out over his home, full of people that are all his to kill, and his only.

“i wanted to be your ace,” he says dreamily. “your only ace.”

**Author's Note:**

> I WROTE THIS AT FOUR IN MORNING WHILE DRUNK ON SLEEP DEPRIVATION THANKS FOR READING I LOVE TAEMIN


End file.
